When nature calls at night

3 a.m. It's drizzling, your sleeping bag has finally reached the perfect temperature, and your bladder has filed a formal complaint. Negotiating won't work, it never has. With a little planning, though, you'll be back in bed in two minutes instead of lying awake at half past three counting stars.

Before you climb up

• Go to the loo one more time, even if you don't need to. Especially then.
• Park your flip-flops or shoes right at the foot of the ladder, toes pointing out. Half asleep, you just step in.
• Keep a head torch with a red light within reach by your pillow, not somewhere at the bottom of your rucksack.

The ladder at 3 a.m.

At night the ladder is wet, cold and more slippery than it looks by day. Bare feet are a bad idea, especially when you're half asleep. If you have to go down: shoes on, light on, climb down backwards and keep both hands on the ladder. Your phone goes in your pocket, not between your teeth.

The bottle you never drink from

• A wide-mouth bottle with a tight screw lid, such as a wide-mouth Nalgene. One litre is relaxed, half a litre gets tight fast.
• For women there are funnels (female urination devices) such as Shewee or Pibella. Practise in the shower during the day before the real thing at night in the roof tent. Kneeling usually works best up there.
• Pick a different colour from your water bottle and label it in big letters. “Do not drink” is a timeless classic.
• In the morning, empty it in the toilet block and rinse it out well. Not into the bushes.

Film night for the neighbours

Switch on a light in your roof tent and the wall becomes a cinema screen. Outside, people see every move, only bigger and more dramatic. What feels like “quick, into the bottle” to you is a full shadow play for the pitch opposite.

• Turn the light off before getting changed or peeing. Your phone screen is usually enough.
• If you need light, use red light, dimmed and pointed down at the mattress. Never hang it from the ceiling.
• Close the window and mesh on the neighbours' side. Light spilling outside disturbs everyone's night anyway.
• A shadow only appears on the tent wall when it's brighter inside than outside. A light outside by the ladder won't give you away.

When it's more than a wee

• A bucket toilet or folding toilet with gel bags, such as the WAG Bag by Cleanwaste. A powder in the bag binds everything and neutralises the smell. Seal the bag well and keep it in a tight container with a lid until morning.
• The manufacturer says the bags can go in general waste. Still read the pack and stick to the campsite's rules.
• The classic option is a portable chemical toilet such as the Thetford Porta Potti. Only empty it at service points or the chemical disposal point on the campsite, never in nature.
• How to empty it properly and where the cassette's contents go is covered in the guide “Grey water, black water and fresh water”.

First class

The Clesana X1 needs no water and no chemicals. After every visit it heat-seals everything into its own foil bag, and you choose size S, M or L at the push of a button. Power comes from 12 V, 230 V or an 18 V battery from Einhell's Power X-Change system, sold separately. One 4 Ah charge is good for about 40 bags. It measures about 34 × 38 cm, weighs 11 to 14 kg depending on the source and costs around 1,100 euros. For anyone who prefers their business signed, sealed and delivered. To be fair, it fits better in a van or the boot than in a roof tent.

Where there's no toilet

• If you're out on a tour with no toilet for miles and staying overnight is allowed, dig a hole 15 to 20 cm deep and at least 60 m away from water, paths and pitches. That's what Leave No Trace recommends (6 to 8 inches, 200 feet). Pack a small trowel for it.
• Fill it in afterwards and tread it down lightly.
• Toilet paper goes back out with you in a bag, not into the hole. Wet wipes and sanitary products too, of course.

Please not behind the neighbours' caravan

Mistakes you only make once

• Putting the bottle in the net above your head without its lid.
• Buying your water bottle and night bottle in the same colour.
• Bare feet on a wet ladder.
• Into the wind.
• Head torch hanging from the ceiling, curtain up, showtime.